SECRET TO LIFE: GENTLE HEART AND LOVING INTENTIONS

Ian and Brett at the Saturday Market in Portland enjoying the sunshine. We went with a group of friends and remembered that sometimes taking a break from the books helps out the studying process more than cramming!

The last month has been hectic to say the least; between finals, being sick, and fun the blog has been lacking. However, for the week that I am home, I hope to update each day until I head for Costa Rica on May 11^th for the big trip! Then, the updates will be weekly because of the infrequent computer access.

            A friend joined me while I was studying on the grass in the quad a few days ago. Some time in our conversation, I told him that I thought I was amazed by how much I learned about myself this semester. I had acknowledged this growth in a general manner but when he asked me to be more specific, I was even more shocked by the weight of the lessons I had learned.

            This semester, I learned that I am not the quiet girl that I thought I was in high school. I was the first to claim introvert and keep to myself a year ago, phone calls to the pizza man/woman were rare because of the fear of talking to them, quick trips to the grocery store could be doubled in time because of my fear of people when asking for help finding something, and the thought of starting a conversation with a perfect stranger was ludicrous in any social situation. As I said my goodbyes yesterday, I ran down the halls of dorms and realized what closeness I felt with the strangers of 8 months ago. I was loud, and the fears of high school were left in high school; that was a neat feeling.

            I learned that making a birthday card for a friend means a lot. Put simply, it’s the little things. Erin, my roommate has a jar on her desk that she has used for the last month. It says, “it’s the little things” and she writes on a post-it-note the small things in her day that made her happy. The cards I make on birthdays for example, take me a half hour but in turn, someone knows that the people they spend their time with value them.
            I learned the power of feeling valued. When you are in a school with thousands of other college students and someone sees you and acknowledges your uniqueness—that is pretty cool. When someone does something that is nice—I tell him or her I noticed. When someone makes my day, I make sure they know.  I have forgotten the embarrassment of security and realized that sometimes you need to take a leap of faith in order to create a relationship that has true depth.

            I have found pride in my love for words. I like to write and I don’t just mean poems or essays. I learned that I love to leave notes for my friends. When I fall asleep in my bed at night and I hear my roommate come in at 2 AM from a long day of studying, it makes me smile secretly knowing that I left her a note and she is happy to read it. Like I said, it’s the little things. Likewise, I wrote letters to my friends and found a closeness with them that can’t be discovered any other way. When you write a letter, there is a deeper sense of intention and I was happy to give them that. Sealing an envelope, I knew I was giving them my deepest sense of intention. What I mean is, I was making them aware of how I was thinking about them even when we were states away because I wanted them to know that I valued them in my life. Likewise, when I received letters from friends, a sense of attachment that is different than what can be found in a telephone conversation or even being face-to-face shocked me. I saved every letter and read them often.

            Mostly, I learned that the fear of the unknown, whatever it may be, does not have to lead to a sense of paralysis. I don’t shutter at the thought of what lies ahead, I’m learning to live in a moment that is now. Going to college you wonder if you will belong. I learned that with a gentle heart and loving intentions, belonging becomes easy. Sitting on the plane last night, I was overwhelmed by the gratitude of this genuine sense of belonging. With Costa Rica quickly approaching, the fear of the unfamiliar is slowly coming back to haunt me. However, while reflecting on the fear of the next unknown, I have reminded myself of the similar feeling I had before college. There are lessons waiting for me; it is time to mold the fear into joy.